Posted on Saturday, 12.26.09
Dave Barry's year in review: 2009
By Dave Barry
It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting ``business as usual,'' finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.
To be sure, it was a year that saw plenty of bad news. But in almost every instance, there was offsetting good news:
BAD NEWS: The economy remained critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely depressed real-estate market, the near-collapse of the domestic automobile industry and the steep decline of the dollar.
GOOD NEWS: Windows 7 sucked less than Vista.
BAD NEWS: The downward spiral of the newspaper industry continued, resulting in the firings of thousands of experienced reporters and an apparently permanent deterioration in the quality of American journalism.
GOOD NEWS: A lot more people were tweeting.
BAD NEWS: Ominous problems loomed abroad as -- among other difficulties -- the Afghanistan war went sour, and Iran threatened to plunge the Middle East and beyond into nuclear war.
GOOD NEWS: They finally got Roman Polanski.
In short, it was a year that we will be happy to put behind us. But before we do, let's swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back, starting with. . . .
JANUARY
. . . during which history is made in Washington, D.C., where a crowd estimated by the Congressional Estimating Office at 217 billion people gathers to watch Barack Obama be inaugurated as the first American president ever to come after George W. Bush. There is a minor glitch in the ceremony when Chief Justice John Roberts, attempting to administer the oath of office, becomes confused and instead reads the side-effect warnings for his decongestant pills, causing the new president to swear that he will consult his physician if he experiences a sudden loss of sensation in his feet. President Obama then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stays much the same.
The No. 1 item on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody -- anybody -- to a high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama's nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush administration.
Elsewhere in politics, a team of specially trained wildlife agents equipped with nets and tranquilizer darts manages, after a six-hour struggle, to remove Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office. He is transported to an undisclosed swamp, where he is released into the wild and quickly bonds with the native ferret population.
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Comments:
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oibur wrote on 01/11/2010 03:16:43 PM:
I would be more enthusiastic if I could figure out why the banks that got stimulas money for 1% to save them are charging people 30% intrest on charge cards.
Why do banks that are supposed to help people keep their homes offer refinancing for homes that face forclusure in "bad" areas.
But for homes in "good" areas they are telling the owners they can "rent" their own homes or leave? -
amberj426 wrote on 01/08/2010 01:49:12 PM:
and before you all go into a rampage, let me say again: I am a fan. I don't agree politically with Dave but I think he's hilarious. One sided here but funny nontheless.
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amberj426 wrote on 01/08/2010 01:35:03 PM:
WOW! I've been a fan for years and still will be, even though you seem to be very bitter. I'll have to read some Al Franken tonight to balance this out. You're right Dave, the Obama administration is the reason for all of the things that are wrong. That's funny, I don't remember any other Years in review being this hard on W...
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circus wrote on 01/05/2010 11:50:05 PM:
johnnydesk get over yourself. Were there too many comments about the left for your comfort?
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johnnydesk wrote on 01/04/2010 04:38:28 PM:
A good job, but you missed several major opportunities for satire, Dave. How come no mention of Sarah's "death panels"? What about the scary/dangerous President (whoops--Vice President) Dick Cheney inserting himself in everything. What about the right-wing wackos who proudly displayed loaded weapons at political events and encouraged the "refreshing" of the "Tree of Liberty." What about the idiots who proclaimed things such as, "Keep your government hands off of my Medicare!" ? Or what about the disrupters at the community meetings to discuss health care getting their tactics from the insurance industry. Then there�s the weepy Glen Beck? What about Cheney inserting himself in everything. This stuff was ripe for the picking. I look forward to your next �year in review.�
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Fat_Old_Sun wrote on 01/04/2010 04:56:17 AM:Replying to barbnb (01/01/2010 04:35:17 PM):
"Maybe you're one of those people who don't 'get' this wonderful humor. Perhaps you should read and watch more news and less cartoons.":Fortunately humour, like music, is a matter of individual preference. If you don't like Dave's columns, Marc64, you can always go hike the Appalachian Trail by yourself.
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lrhunter wrote on 01/03/2010 06:34:17 PM:
"Press your Face Against the Nation" almost ruined my brand new Mac Book. Good job Dave, as always. Very, very funny.
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LakeWorthCane wrote on 01/02/2010 02:59:06 PM:
I laughed out loud more than once.
Another grand slam, this one out of the park: you still have it, Dave, and you have it real good.
"The Native Ferret Population" is a good name for a rock band. -
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Excellent, as always. I have to be careful where I read your stuff; suddenly bursting out laughing can be taken as a sign of mental derangement.
Did that guy REALLY think you were serious about the 217 billion people watching the inauguration? Wonder if he reads all of your writings so carefully; bet he finds lots of things to criticize. Anyway, Happy New Year, love ya!